FOOLCRUM'S
DIARY

welcome to my diaryg

this is the landing page for my diary ... use the side thingy to pick an entry! they're sorted reverse chronological order (newest first). have fun picking apart my brain!

some of these entries may be entirely comprised of, or include, snippets from my personal journal. Whenever that happens, it shall be indicated by my favorite little🁶 unicode domino.

other entries may include portions from my semi-private online diary that only i and a very small few can access. those will be marked by this🂡 ace of spades.

entry 1 : 2/17/2025 - this is more of a diary

well, how about we start on why i made this diary. basically, i wanted a little nook to put long-form writing content relating to myself. i'll be real, life isn't very swag right now. The semester is kicking me in the ass, I can't exist without comparing myself to others, I can't get shit done anymore, and I recently found out i have depression. so like yeah. I can't complain too much though, I have a pretty sweet social circle, a lot of good friends, and a loving girlfriend. Having friends and people who truly care about you (even if it's hard to believe sometimes) is a really good reason to keep on going, and i couldn't be more grateful for them. And I have a therapist, and my depression isn't like, the bad forever kind, and she says I can heal from it, which is real neat! so like, this diary is actually more of a diary then. Sometimes i'll do like a fancy thinkpiece or whatever but usually it'll just be this. Let's hope the progessional journey of this diary is an upward curve. maybe i'll be able to look back on this and see how i improve? I'm gonna be honest, I don't expect many people to read this, and this is entirely for myself.

lets hope this is a good idea and i actually use this tehe :3

entry 1 : 2/17/2025 - this is more of a diary

well, how about we start on why i made this diary. basically, i wanted a little nook to put long-form writing content relating to myself. i'll be real, life isn't very swag right now. The semester is kicking me in the ass, I can't exist without comparing myself to others, I can't get shit done anymore, and I recently found out i have depression. so like yeah. I can't complain too much though, I have a pretty sweet social circle, a lot of good friends, and a loving girlfriend. Having friends and people who truly care about you (even if it's hard to believe sometimes) is a really good reason to keep on going, and i couldn't be more grateful for them. And I have a therapist, and my depression isn't like, the bad forever kind, and she says I can heal from it, which is real neat! so like, this diary is actually more of a diary then. Sometimes i'll do like a fancy thinkpiece or whatever but usually it'll just be this. Let's hope the progessional journey of this diary is an upward curve. maybe i'll be able to look back on this and see how i improve? I'm gonna be honest, I don't expect many people to read this, and this is entirely for myself.

lets hope this is a good idea and i actually use this tehe :3

entry 2 : 2/18/2025 - i absolutely hate tuesdays and thursdays

this is a vent. don't worry & don't take it too seriously - i post vents to feel better and do end up feeling better afterward.

Tuesdays and Thursdays. I hate them so fucking much.
so basically, i prioritized a "late start" over literally everything, and that made it so my classes start at 11 and have no break until 5. I have no idea why I thought that was a good idea. I don't do shit in the mornings, and have no energy to do anything afterwards. To top it all off, i have no "ezpz memorizationpilled lecturecore " classes, so I actually have to put effort into my workload. I hate it I hate it I hate it. Every Tuesday and Thursday makes every aspect of my mental illness hit me all at once. I don't think im going to make it out of this semester without a little darker outlook on my life.

🁶 "Tuesdays and Thursdays are especially bad for me. I don't know why, but time is weird for me & i feel like i have no time & feel so stressed about everythin. I've been failing on my obligations. to be frank, i dont understand why people don't hate me more than they should. They don't hate me at all actually ? or if they do they're REALLY good at hiding it. Fear of failiure and fear of cringe is plauging me. I don't think I'll evr achieve any dreams. I don't even know what my dreams are. I'm scared"

it's the end of the day now though and i feel better. its a viscious cycle no? i'll keep pushing. note to self: never fucking schedule a semester like this again.

entry 3 : 3/1/2025 - trying to break bad habits

this entry contains mentions of drug use (marijuana specifically).

i'm trying to improve my bad habits, primarily my terrible spending habits and my procrastination. so... two birds with one stone? i'm trying that strat to semi-success.

i told myself i wouldn't buy anything until I went through a full two weeks where I submitted everything I needed to for anything I needed to do on time. Seems pretty straightforward. i'm in college, i'm on a meal plan, so there's nothing I have to pay for inherently to be able to survive. so theroetically, I can either procrastinate myself into being unable to shop, or i unprocrastinate myself because I wanna shop that bad. I think this might work!

is what I was thinking at the beginning of this week. Since then, i've had like, subjectively(not a typo) the worst week of my life. Monday and tuesday went just fine, but on Tuesday I got high (first time ive ever gotten high on a weeekday) instead of doing work (i had research due and needed to study for law class real bad) and that just made me fall behind. By wednesday I needed to read a book, do all this studying, shoot for film class, etc all by the next day, which was very possible to do in a reasonable timeframe since my last class was at 1pm. however i immediately took a nap. I refused to go to sleep, which just made me stay up till 2AM doing jack shit. I woke up and missed the law exam I was supposed to be there for, and I hadn't edited my film project at all plus my third shot didnt come out good. Film class went waaaayy better than I expected, but I still had all this work to do. English class might as well be like, nothing class considering i've been doing nothing. And to add insult to injury, I bought a pencil and a pen and some snacks for way too much at the university bookstore on Friday because I can't control myself. i'm so cool. I'm still going to retry this challenge, but like, yeesh that was rough. I'm going to pick my head up and be more dedicated to it this time. I promise. We're pretty much learning something new/starting a new unit in every class I have so i think this'll be a better fresh start for the challenge.

🁶 entry from wednesday night "it's stupid. on my part to be clear. a 1/4 chance that my degree will amount to nothing is still p rare all things considered! right? yea Anyways I tried really hard. Not like SUPER hard but I gues te takeaway is to not take an edible on a tuesday evening? One assignment is officially late, so that's my clock reset. As in, no more redeptions & my two week challenge thing is reset. For a bit, I thought 2 weeks would be too little! What a fool I was. What a fool I am, look at what I'm doing right now. Sigh! The self sabotage epic moments best clips 2025. I'm so tired, but going to bed feels like a death sentence. Am I really gonna wake up at six tomorrow? I soubt that. But a man can dream, and I REALLY hope that wish comes true.

No matter what happens to me, i'm still me. I don't understand what that means necessarily, but I know it's the truth? I know the parts of me and the projections and the hopes and dreams will be alive, but is a living vessel enough for these metaphysical concepts to survive? what if they have habitat needs? "A dream cannot grow properly in a body that thinks about suicide too much" or something like that. It should serve as encouragement, I need to give my hopes a good envirornment to blossom.
and hey, at least I'm not a compsci student!~ "

I need to believe in myself, and I need to move past whatever the fuck happened when I was growing up to be a productive and confident person. I believe I can do it.

entry 4 : 5/18/2025 - expectations

warning this entrys very venty

I'm home for the summer! hopefully I'll be productive, but I don't really trust myself to be anymore...

i always have this complex about "making it". This gnawing idea that there is an amount of success or skill that I will reach and then become satisfied for life. I know, literally, that that is not true, That the idea of "making it" is superficial and whatever kind of "success" I think i'll be satisfied with wouldn't satisfy me at all, actually. What i'm really after is some kind of magical balance in my life. Something that I can do but that I never slack off. Whatever slurry of mental health issues plauge my being eat me every time I am assigned a task, and its having an imapct on everything. Whenever something starts, or is offered to me, I feel blessed, determined, and many other things that relate to my excitement and motivation. But when it finally comes along it just melts into one of the 500 "things i have to do!" that are equally as boring and tedious as perhaps the dishes or making my bed. I think maaaybe that's ADHD, but it's kind of super disheartening that even when I'm paid , it's something I want, I know if I do it i'll improve, etc etc. It makes me worried that no job will ever satisfy me and no reward would be high enough for me to do something. and it makes me fatally aware that i'm just... numb? Finals week was horrible. I rushed my work and slacked off all semester. Of course, a few bad dips in my mental health are partially to blame, but in the end I know I am responsible for my lack of work. Unfortunately, I have parents who really care about my wellbeing and future ...and that includes having decent grades. I haven't told them how terribly I've done and I'm scared for what will happen, I know they just want the best for me, and don't worry, they don't hurt me or anything. but the dissapointment and shaming feels like torture to me. This will happen once more if I don't pick up the pace. Of course, not from my parents, but the shame I feel after failing people, friends, clients that rely on my output just because I'm so ????? to even do things i'm told and normally like to do is eating meee!!!!

🁶 It would be a perfect incarnation of myself. All my love would be pure with no complex emotions or terrible past to meddle with my idea of it. I would be the most puure artist and i would have the most wonderful output because noithing in the world would have ever made me scared. I would be free and unconditional
YOU'RE SO SILLY [name] YOU KNOW YOU WILL NEVER BE WITHOUT YOUR PAST CONSUMING YOU. YOUR HEART IS BLEEDING ON MY SKEWER JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT SOLUTIONS TO YOUR IMAGINARY PROBLEMS HE'S SO STUPID. ITS LIKE HE'S [illegible] TO GO HOME EMPTY-HANDED BUT WAIT! HE WILL. THE MAN BEFORE OUR EYES IS SUBJECTED TO AND DESTINED FOR HELL 🁶

I'm also obsessed with this idea of a "savior". someone benevolent, all knowing, someone who would be unconditionally kind and patient to never see me as in the wrong. It could never be a real person. I would never subject a real person to that. But even that wish, would that savior even help? It's worse because my main coping mechanism I use to help myself by simulating a similar a similar situation to motivate myself is not really working anymore and I don't really know what to do ?

🁶 are you finally ready for it to consume_you? Are you finally prepared for the inevitability, little disc? That clawed hand gripping the earth is just a hologram. it won't last. An inevitability afforded t the likes of you... You will never know what will happen. You will never know what won't happen. That stupid stupid stupid
Right now I want that savior more than ever. That magical patient benevolent being that will never ask anything of me and only be there for me and me alone. Of course this could not be a person. I'm not expecting it to be. But I dont know how else i;v ever be encouraged anymore. Every single thing is a hardship. I don't want to do anything anymore. Anything that makes me smile or laugh is just fleeting. Horrible.

I suppose I should still go into this with a good outlook. My job, like a real money job, is only until the middle of June because it's at a public school. I just need to push through the Feelings that happen when I am at home, which will either be hard or easy. Let's see!!!