FOOLCRUM'S
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welcome to my blogg

this is the landing page for my blog ... use the side thingy to pick an entry! they're sorted reverse chronological order (newest first). have fun picking apart my brain!

some of these entries may be entirely comprised of, or include, snippets from my personal journal. Whenever that happens, it shall be indicated by my favorite little🁶 unicode domino.

other entries may include portions from my semi-private online diary that only i and a very small few can access. those will be marked by this🂡 ace of spades.

entry 1 : 2/17/2025 - this is more of a diary

well, how about we start on why i made this blog. basically, i wanted a little nook to put long-form writing content relating to myself. i'll be real, life isn't very swag right now. The semester is kicking me in the ass, I can't exist without comparing myself to others, I can't get shit done anymore, and I recently found out i have depression. so like yeah. I can't complain too much though, I have a pretty sweet social circle, a lot of good friends, and a loving girlfriend. Having friends and people who truly care about you (even if it's hard to believe sometimes) is a really good reason to keep on going, and i couldn't be more grateful for them. And I have a therapist, and my depression isn't like, the bad forever kind, and she says I can heal from it, which is real neat! so like, this blog is actually more of a diary then. Sometimes i'll do like a fancy thinkpiece or whatever but usually it'll just be this. Let's hope the progessional journey of this diary is an upward curve. maybe i'll be able to look back on this and see how i improve? I'm gonna be honest, I don't expect many people to read this, and this is entirely for myself.

lets hope this is a good idea and i actually use this tehe :3

entry 2 : 2/18/2025 - i absolutely hate tuesdays and thursdays

this is a vent. don't worry & don't take it too seriously - i post vents to feel better and do end up feeling better afterward.

Tuesdays and Thursdays. I hate them so fucking much.
so basically, i prioritized a "late start" over literally everything, and that made it so my classes start at 11 and have no break until 5. I have no idea why I thought that was a good idea. I don't do shit in the mornings, and have no energy to do anything afterwards. To top it all off, i have no "ezpz memorizationpilled lecturecore " classes, so I actually have to put effort into my workload. I hate it I hate it I hate it. Every Tuesday and Thursday makes every aspect of my mental illness hit me all at once. I don't think im going to make it out of this semester without a little darker outlook on my life.

🁶 "Tuesdays and Thursdays are especially bad for me. I don't know why, but time is weird for me & i feel like i have no time & feel so stressed about everythin. I've been failing on my obligations. to be frank, i dont understand why people don't hate me more than they should. They don't hate me at all actually ? or if they do they're REALLY good at hiding it. Fear of failiure and fear of cringe is plauging me. I don't think I'll evr achieve any dreams. I don't even know what my dreams are. I'm scared"

it's the end of the day now though and i feel better. its a viscious cycle no? i'll keep pushing. note to self: never fucking schedule a semester like this again.

entry 1 : 2/17/2025 - this is more of a diary

well, how about we start on why i made this blog. basically, i wanted a little nook to put long-form writing content relating to myself. i'll be real, life isn't very swag right now. The semester is kicking me in the ass, I can't exist without comparing myself to others, I can't get shit done anymore, and I recently found out i have depression. so like yeah. I can't complain too much though, I have a pretty sweet social circle, a lot of good friends, and a loving girlfriend. Having friends and people who truly care about you (even if it's hard to believe sometimes) is a really good reason to keep on going, and i couldn't be more grateful for them. And I have a therapist, and my depression isn't like, the bad forever kind, and she says I can heal from it, which is real neat! so like, this blog is actually more of a diary then. Sometimes i'll do like a fancy thinkpiece or whatever but usually it'll just be this. Let's hope the progessional journey of this diary is an upward curve. maybe i'll be able to look back on this and see how i improve? I'm gonna be honest, I don't expect many people to read this, and this is entirely for myself.

lets hope this is a good idea and i actually use this tehe :3

entry 3 : 3/1/2025 - trying to break bad habits

this entry contains mentions of drug use (marijuana specifically).

i'm trying to improve my bad habits, primarily my terrible spending habits and my procrastination. so... two birds with one stone? i'm trying that strat to semi-success.

i told myself i wouldn't buy anything until I went through a full two weeks where I submitted everything I needed to for anything I needed to do on time. Seems pretty straightforward. i'm in college, i'm on a meal plan, so there's nothing I have to pay for inherently to be able to survive. so theroetically, I can either procrastinate myself into being unable to shop, or i unprocrastinate myself because I wanna shop that bad. I think this might work!

is what I was thinking at the beginning of this week. Since then, i've had like, subjectively(not a typo) the worst week of my life. Monday and tuesday went just fine, but on Tuesday I got high (first time ive ever gotten high on a weeekday) instead of doing work (i had research due and needed to study for law class real bad) and that just made me fall behind. By wednesday I needed to read a book, do all this studying, shoot for film class, etc all by the next day, which was very possible to do in a reasonable timeframe since my last class was at 1pm. however i immediately took a nap. I refused to go to sleep, which just made me stay up till 2AM doing jack shit. I woke up and missed the law exam I was supposed to be there for, and I hadn't edited my film project at all plus my third shot didnt come out good. Film class went waaaayy better than I expected, but I still had all this work to do. English class might as well be like, nothing class considering i've been doing nothing. And to add insult to injury, I bought a pencil and a pen and some snacks for way too much at the university bookstore on Friday because I can't control myself. i'm so cool. I'm still going to retry this challenge, but like, yeesh that was rough. I'm going to pick my head up and be more dedicated to it this time. I promise. We're pretty much learning something new/starting a new unit in every class I have so i think this'll be a better fresh start for the challenge.

🁶 entry from wednesday night "it's stupid. on my part to be clear. a 1/4 chance that my degree will amount to nothing is still p rare all things considered! right? yea Anyways I tried really hard. Not like SUPER hard but I gues te takeaway is to not take an edible on a tuesday evening? One assignment is officially late, so that's my clock reset. As in, no more redeptions & my two week challenge thing is reset. For a bit, I thought 2 weeks would be too little! What a fool I was. What a fool I am, look at what I'm doing right now. Sigh! The self sabotage epic moments best clips 2025. I'm so tired, but going to bed feels like a death sentence. Am I really gonna wake up at six tomorrow? I soubt that. But a man can dream, and I REALLY hope that wish comes true.

No matter what happens to me, i'm still me. I don't understand what that means necessarily, but I know it's the truth? I know the parts of me and the projections and the hopes and dreams will be alive, but is a living vessel enough for these metaphysical concepts to survive? what if they have habitat needs? "A dream cannot grow properly in a body that thinks about suicide too much" or something like that. It should serve as encouragement, I need to give my hopes a good envirornment to blossom.
and hey, at least I'm not a compsci student!~ "

I need to believe in myself, and I need to move past whatever the fuck happened when I was growing up to be a productive and confident person. I believe I can do it.